12/365

 

If there is something that I struggle to deal with; with a heavy heart, it's grief. 

You see, 

It's not like I don't cry, I do. Over a pair of jeans for the way that it would fit, a cup of Chai which after many attempts, would sincerely be tasteful; I will also cry over a sunset, over the lyric of a song which might simply make my heart happy. 

But when there’s a slight ache in my heart or some grief, I find myself quiet. No emotions, no feelings, no sulking whatsoever. Quiet.

As if, there are tears that want to roll down but nobody to roll up to. As if, there’s someone with a cupboard running inside but somehow is unable to come out of it. 

As if, there’s this indescribable pain/ anger that makes me so anxious, that to an extent I rush to find solace but I am not able to find it.

You know I feel like I am not made for this and as I looked around, I wasn't the only one.

Till today, I find discomfort in the way that I feel for certain someone’s/ things that broke my heart and I still have not been able to find a way out of it. 

All I could find my solace in, was through hugs. Either by hugging Baba or just, the people I love making sure I've hugged them as long as I've wanted, as long as the moment's passed. 

And If I never had that hand to hold, I’d just figure a way out to hold myself and let it go.

Everybody says that it is okay to cry it out but nobody’s ever talked of how to deal with the moment of the tear which is to come right away where it feels like your heart's about to skip a beat but the timing is wrong; in way where you're in a place full of people, surrounded by joy; or you're just in an auto, typing this out.

Love and Light,

SK